Back Home From The Sea

Rain, I want to speak with you

as I watch you fall, 

now drops 

now clouds of  water 

streaming down

following gravity’s call.

 

I want to tell you what I know

And as all our cells 

can show.

Your liquid 

Is the essence 

of us all.

 

The sea is filled with you.

Each squall, each stormy night

Of silver falling, falling 

shards of light

Is there within each drop, each puddle

Each muddy hole 

on leafy forest floor

Each flooding river

Crushing all 

within its flowing flight.

 

I want to say to you 

that I have plunged

within your clearest depths

In seas that churn

And bays wherein

the deep of you 

Lies quiet and serene.

 

 

I have smelled your salt 

With strange desire

And sensed the bodies of your fish

As if my flesh were fins.


I watch you with contentment or

with that anxious anticipation 

of your accumulating threat

From inside rooms

Kept warm with some strange 

element of fire

 

I want to say to you

that your atoms 

know not good nor bad.

No thoughts of hatred nor of  joy

pass through any drop

Yet, your collective force  

Can purify or destroy

Engender peace or strife.

 

Each living cell

Contains the what of you

Not charged with any job

but to be the medium 

for the vibrancy of life.

 

Can you purify our lies?

Can you satisfy our cries 

of thirst for common decency

For knowledge of our ties?

 

I want to talk to you 

of this strange, stark 

state of  wonder 

that you are me 

and I am you

And somehow we are flowing 

Now down,  then under

Through all the streets 

and all the streams

And all your states of being

Back then  to the sea.

Swiftly

Suddenly, some balance somewhere
Shifted.
The stilling air of afternoon
has filled with swarms of gnats
And the swifts, gone for so long
Diving now and climbing
swooping in their zigzag flight
Appeared as from a secret niche
Hidden in some silent fold
In time and space
Called by a faint note, unheard
To eat their fill and then return


How quickly the balance scale can tip
And the unexpected be what is.
Soon neither swarming gnats nor swooping birds
Are seen
And the empty air of afternoon
Has changed its light
To suit the movement
Of the clouds
And the rhythm of the stream.

North Cape Webcam

As I clean up from our dinner

here in a small village in France

Walter tells me

There are eight people 

watching North Cape, Norway’s webcam

at this moment.

And he is one. 

 

I go to see what it’s like 

In the northernmost fishing village in the world

Where the dark nights of September have come

and the streetlights on the edge of the harbor

Make undulating rivers of gold in the water.

 

I am captivated

And It is as quiet as an ancient fishing village would be

After the sun goes down.

There are no lights on in the houses

Everyone in them has gone to sleep.

 

But a big white van pulls out and drives down the road

out of the picture

Its lights for a moment

Reflected in a window.

And then again 

Quiet.

 

I want to see the faces of the

other people 

watching this peace with me.

First seven and

then four more who have joined us.

 

I want to see their eyes, watching calmly

while I feel our heartbeats slowing

and hear our breath going in and out

In bodies that all have lungs

And brains, and hearts to beat.

 

We would not talk,

Even if we could

We would just nod to each other

In kind recognition

Of what it is that drew us here 

And captured us.

 

The love that peace brings

would be carried by the waves of light

Weightless

Like the golden rivers on the water

of a dark harbor.

 

Summer Evening in a French Garden

How is it we got to talking,
As we sat out the light
Of a summer evening,
About fireflies?
How they danced in the air
Of our childhood
Making little holes of light
All around in our soul
That now dance as we watch them
In the vast darkness of our minds
Together in the growing dusk
Of the garden?

And that they’re different from
The glowworms of France
Whose little fires sit in ditches
And, in such stillness, signal mates.
No children run
and scoop these into jars
to make those lanterns that will shine
and glitter in the darkness
Of the sleep-night by their beds

Or do they,
The children in France?

The Summer Visit

That summer, my daughter was just turning nine and my son was four.  My biological parents, Toni and Marvin, were making their first trip out to Washington State together to see us.  Each had  already come separately to give us time to get to know them on their own, these people who were mother and father, grandmother and grandfather who had come into lives already taken shape, like some adventure in a time machine.  It must have been July or August. It was hot and sunny. We were all a bit dizzy with excitement. Our relationship had become a true love affair.

 

We had decided to take them to see the beautiful Oregon coast, a two hour drive away. We’d booked rooms at a lovely inn in the town of Florence, near the Oregon dunes. We got to the inn late in the day, after a leisurely drive down the coast, stopping to show them what had come to be our our favorite spots. They saw the beautiful rocks out in the bay at Cannon Beach where we walked through the tide pools and saw starfish and anemones. We had lunch somewhere in the touristy, quaint seaside town. We stopped to walk a bit along another beautiful beach where the enormity of the Pacific pulled all sense of limitation into the infinity of its waves. We saw the seals and sea lions in LIncoln City. Marvin was paying for everything he could get to first.

 

After we’d settled in our rooms, we walked over to a great seafood restaurant we’d been to once before. The grownups wanted to eat Pacific Coast oysters and King Crab and the kids, hamburgers and fries, and tastes of everything else but the raw oysters we’d order by the dozens.  They’d even eat fresh fish and crab if it were dipped in tartar sauce or melted butter. 

 

It was a late dinner by American standards. By the time we’d finished all that food, washed down with many glasses of Oregon Pinot Gris, the kids had been playing under the table for quite awhile and there was only one other occupied table left. Soon,  the two of them had made beds of all the jackets we’d brought for the evening chill and had closed their eyes while they talked together softly. 

 

The grownups had talked and talked. Marvin was a great story teller. We still had a lot of untold material to fill  the thirty-five year gap between my birth and our reunion.  It was a bit like filling in the constant lover who had recently come into your life. Now we even had a few years of mutual history to draw on.  We didn’t stop until we realized we were the only ones left and the staff were mopping the floor.

 

The summer before, they’d taken my daughter and her cousin, a girl the same age, to England. They’d had a glorious time staying in London and even going as far as Wales where they heard a true Welsh Bard tell stories in an abbey. They’d been to the Tower of London, the Wax Museum and just about every site that kids would enjoy.  The two girls had been fed cream teas until their little stomachs began to swell and their cheeks to fatten. When my daughter got back home after two weeks away, the Official Book from the Wax Museum was shared with her little brother almost every night for months, the two of them delighting in the fright that Jack the Ripper and Frankenstein seem to generate inexhaustibly. 

 

They loved their grandparents even more inexhaustibly with an expansiveness that widened out their lives. In his grandpa, Noah found the man who approved of him with every fiber and loved him more than life. They both called him jokingly “our perfect boy”, with his blond wings of hair, intelligence, love of soccer and sweet nature. He would lean in against his grandpa when they read stories together or when the grownups were just sitting around  talking. This relationship only deepened over the years. As he grew, Marvin became his mentor and firm supporter.  He bought him his first computer at age ten and began teaching him about stock investing soon after.  

 

They doted on my daughter. My younger biological sister, who’s sense of humor even exceeded her father’s, dubbed her “A porcelain doll with a backbone of steel”. She was right on the money. They nurtured her interests, sent her books, spent hours in the garden and on walks and hinged their hearts to hers. She could always talk with them about anything and did, into adulthood.  Their experience and beauties shared gave her a richness that has filled her always.

 

Those moments, lingering over the dinner table with the children dozing at our feet, are one of my warmest memories of that era of life. The next day, we got up, rallied, had a good big breakfast of bacon and eggs with pancakes for the kids and drove off to see the Oregon Dunes. 

 

There we ran up and down the dunes, sliding and laughing for a couple of hours, walking the pathways through the beach grass and standing in awe before the enormity of the rolling hills of sand until we were all exhausted and thoroughly happy. We all seemed to share the same sensibilities.

 

We spent another night somewhere. I can’t remember where. It was a time when we lived a fairy tale with the king and queen of our rediscovered royal kingdom. Everything was filled with the joy of life and reunion. Everything was possible. They had given us the keys.

The Weight of Rain

Blades of grass

bow under the weight

Of so many drops of rain.

The pores of all plants are open

Drinking those molecules made

In the dust of some long-gone stars 

billions of years ago. 

 

Those blades of grass do what they do

In the presence of sun and of wind

Anticipation of the moment to come

Is built in each vibrating cell

No choice to turn this way or that

No planning of any kind

Except that which was arranged by the atoms

Contained in the seed 

From which their whole being has sprung.

 

Rest now. Unfold all your senses

The sun, the wind and the rain

know no tenses

They listen to no weather report

Plants will live or they’ll die

At the moment the sky 

Gives them water or heat 

That’s just right 

or is suddenly 

 too much to bear.

 

Do not wait 

With each breath

To know what comes next

Breathe the air

Breathe the air

Breathe the air.

 

At the Top

There are those who are focused on summits of things
The very highest points they can find.
They must somehow get to the top
No matter how hard the grind.

But in my mind (and my heart)
There is only the urge
To glide without weight to the start
Of that place where the surge
Of the light
Fills every last cell
With delight
And joy is as open as the vast June sky
Where, weightless,
The body takes flight.

Gibbous Moon

There’s the very slightest sliver of a gibbous moon

Over the western hills.

Never have I seen anything quite so fragile

with the roundness of the moon shadow 

Suggesting the fullness of womb.

Light reflected with such delicacy

From the power of the sun’s great light

that star around which we all turn

hidden now in night

on the other side of this  green globe

we call our earthly home.

 

Hiding from us here

making  dark and mysterious night

when we are to enter 

with inner sight

all other worlds 

 and travel unfettered

Wherever we say

Becoming even the fusion of matter

In the midst of that great golden globe

That, when it returns

to this side of our sphere,

will give us the world

we call day.

 

Toad Eggs

Since we live in the countryside and work in our huge vegetable garden, we see the effects of climate change in all the little bits of nature. The apple trees are blooming earlier, alongside the cherries, who traditionally sing their song along with the pears and after the early wild plums in a dependable succession.

The lilacs, even here at 500 meters, are now in full bloom, a sight usually seen in May. Olive trees that typically don’t survive the cold winters in the Ariege have begun to assert themselves. The flies started multiplying vigorously at the end of February, gathering by the hundreds on the concrete window ledges. People living close to nature everywhere have been noticing signs for years. Cyclical patterns are no longer cyclical . They have begun overlapping, never reverting back to the patterns of change people have recognized for the hundreds and thousands of years of years since the ice sheets receded here in Europe.

Two years ago, after the two or three canicules (heat waves) of the summer. I noticed the non-native pines that were planted two generations ago were turning brown.   These were the trees planted by the local farmers when the wool industry truly collapsed and the sheep disappeared from the foothills of the Pyrannees.  They were the new road to prosperity. I pointed  out the large patches of brown in the forest to several locals who replied that they weren’t worried. It was part of the normal way that trees protect themselves in the heat. They would come back to life the following winter and spring. They never did. After the third summer of prolonged periods of extreme heat and two years of dryness, their normal defense mechanisms failed. There are now huge swaths of dead pines through all the forests. The region has come to depend on its forestry and the growing tourism centered around the incredible hiking and the beauty of the villages and the mountains. Foresters are working overtime to cut and mill the wood from hectares of dead trees before another summer of heat sparks dreaded forest fires.

But for me, the most telling bit of observation has to do with a tiny seasonal pond up along one of the trails into the hills nearby. It’s really no more than a largish puddle. Beginning each February for the five years we have lived here, I’ve watched the progress of the clutches of toad eggs deposited by some mysterious mother forest toads. They have somehow learned to count on the fact that the water left there by the winter rains lasts long enough for the eggs to hatch and the tadpoles to mature and hop off into the leaf mold of the forest floor, a process that takes till early summer. It must have been this way for countless seasons, there in a moist part of the forest above a mountain stream.

I take a walk there every few days during the spring to watch life develop. As we all know from the ecology classes of our youth, each form of life in each niche has an important function in keeping the whole system healthy. Although toads contain a poison which discourages predators, there are some birds like the herons that fly over our vegetable garden that have developed an immunity to the toxin and seem to consider toads a delicacy. These forest toads in turn eat many kinds of insects, caterpillars, slugs and worms. Here, In the foothills of the Pyrannees, they may help keep the larvae of some invasive insect species in check.

Last February, the puddle was minute, but then a good rain came and filled it enough to allow the toads to drop their eggs. I saw good clusters of transparent eggs, each with its black center. There was just enough water to allow the egg masses to be suspended.

The next few visits confirmed they were still there. The black centers were getting bigger. There had been a couple of fairly decent rains, but not enough to fill the puddle to overflowing as it had been in the two previous years.

There was no more rain after that for quite some time. My next visit revealed that only one smallish cluster was still wet. A few tadpoles had made it out and were sluggishly moving in what water was left. The next visit, the puddle was no more than a bit of mud. The egg cluster and the tadpoles were no more.

A week or two later, we had a few days of rain. Miraculously, another egg cluster appeared. Sadly, the puddle dried again in a week or two and the second attempt was done. That source for new toads was no more.

This year there wasn’t much moisture in the indentation in the forest floor when I first walked up to inspect around the end of the first week in February. When I went back a little after the middle of the month, there was a bit of an ice-covered puddle with what looked like round crystal globuoles, each with a black dot in the middle. Tenuous situation, but hope springs eternal. When I went back on the Ides of March, they were just barely hanging on, enough ice-circled water to surround the maturing egg mass that was left. Three days later, a bunch of tadpoles were swimming around in the waters made by two days of warming rain.

When I finally made it back three weeks later, the puddle was no more than a dry, leaf-covered hollow, indistinguishable from the rest of the forest floor. All the tadpoles that should have been swimming around in the puddle, about half way to getting their front legs, gone.

In nature, there are many redundancies to ensure survival, but if this reservoir of life didn’t make it two years running, how many more?

We are confronted day after day with the evidence that living our lives as we have is not sustainable, yet we do everything we can to create the illusion that our human lives will go on and on pretty much as they have forever. We believe in the illusions woven around us since our birth.  We don’t see much of the detail down on the ground.

Now I am wondering how I can somehow teach my two granddaughters how to survive in a world where their puddle may be drying up more quickly than the grownups are able to imagine. I wish I could teach them how to plant a working vegetable garden, but they live in a tiny apartment, far away.  I’m glad Disney switched to more of a Warrior Princess model around the time my first granddaughter was born. We’ll need all the brave, wise, compassionate, fearless, undaunted women we can get. I’ve got two coming up. They’ve survived a heck of a lot already, buoyed by love.

Sirocco

The wind is in from Africa, blowing in great swirls over the tops of the Pyrannees, carrying sand from the desert. The light is so strange, like a partial solar eclipse. It’s hard to say what color the air has become. Perhaps it’s yellowy violet and grey. It’s as if the spectrum had been disrupted by some alien force. It makes everything feel unsettled. The dogs are barking at the wind itself, nothing else. The strange warm wind.

Even though it’s a Sunday afternoon, no one is taking their country walk except the few diligent dog owners. The laundry dried on the line faster than in a machine and the young plants in their pots, waiting for the right moment to feel their roots spreading in the ground, are aching in their constantly redrying dirt.


 

And now the wind increases. The pines are roiling as if in a gale. Then they settle before another wave of wind rolls in. You would imagine that the wind would clear the air yet it brings the endless sands of the Sahara, the grains pulverized to dust as they smash against each other’s silica crystals.

Now the wind has calmed to wafting air. There is a white luminescence everywhere as the sun begins to break through the lifting clouds of sand over the mountain tops. The white blossoms on the apple and cherry trees glow. The mood is moving. Joy is no longer suppressed. The air waits to see if it will become spring again, warmed by the brightening sun.