Toad Eggs

Since we live in the countryside and work in our huge vegetable garden, we see the effects of climate change in all the little bits of nature. The apple trees are blooming earlier, alongside the cherries, who traditionally sing their song along with the pears and after the early wild plums in a dependable succession.

The lilacs, even here at 500 meters, are now in full bloom, a sight usually seen in May. Olive trees that typically don’t survive the cold winters in the Ariege have begun to assert themselves. The flies started multiplying vigorously at the end of February, gathering by the hundreds on the concrete window ledges. People living close to nature everywhere have been noticing signs for years. Cyclical patterns are no longer cyclical . They have begun overlapping, never reverting back to the patterns of change people have recognized for the hundreds and thousands of years of years since the ice sheets receded here in Europe.

Two years ago, after the two or three canicules (heat waves) of the summer. I noticed the non-native pines that were planted two generations ago were turning brown.   These were the trees planted by the local farmers when the wool industry truly collapsed and the sheep disappeared from the foothills of the Pyrannees.  They were the new road to prosperity. I pointed  out the large patches of brown in the forest to several locals who replied that they weren’t worried. It was part of the normal way that trees protect themselves in the heat. They would come back to life the following winter and spring. They never did. After the third summer of prolonged periods of extreme heat and two years of dryness, their normal defense mechanisms failed. There are now huge swaths of dead pines through all the forests. The region has come to depend on its forestry and the growing tourism centered around the incredible hiking and the beauty of the villages and the mountains. Foresters are working overtime to cut and mill the wood from hectares of dead trees before another summer of heat sparks dreaded forest fires.

But for me, the most telling bit of observation has to do with a tiny seasonal pond up along one of the trails into the hills nearby. It’s really no more than a largish puddle. Beginning each February for the five years we have lived here, I’ve watched the progress of the clutches of toad eggs deposited by some mysterious mother forest toads. They have somehow learned to count on the fact that the water left there by the winter rains lasts long enough for the eggs to hatch and the tadpoles to mature and hop off into the leaf mold of the forest floor, a process that takes till early summer. It must have been this way for countless seasons, there in a moist part of the forest above a mountain stream.

I take a walk there every few days during the spring to watch life develop. As we all know from the ecology classes of our youth, each form of life in each niche has an important function in keeping the whole system healthy. Although toads contain a poison which discourages predators, there are some birds like the herons that fly over our vegetable garden that have developed an immunity to the toxin and seem to consider toads a delicacy. These forest toads in turn eat many kinds of insects, caterpillars, slugs and worms. Here, In the foothills of the Pyrannees, they may help keep the larvae of some invasive insect species in check.

Last February, the puddle was minute, but then a good rain came and filled it enough to allow the toads to drop their eggs. I saw good clusters of transparent eggs, each with its black center. There was just enough water to allow the egg masses to be suspended.

The next few visits confirmed they were still there. The black centers were getting bigger. There had been a couple of fairly decent rains, but not enough to fill the puddle to overflowing as it had been in the two previous years.

There was no more rain after that for quite some time. My next visit revealed that only one smallish cluster was still wet. A few tadpoles had made it out and were sluggishly moving in what water was left. The next visit, the puddle was no more than a bit of mud. The egg cluster and the tadpoles were no more.

A week or two later, we had a few days of rain. Miraculously, another egg cluster appeared. Sadly, the puddle dried again in a week or two and the second attempt was done. That source for new toads was no more.

This year there wasn’t much moisture in the indentation in the forest floor when I first walked up to inspect around the end of the first week in February. When I went back a little after the middle of the month, there was a bit of an ice-covered puddle with what looked like round crystal globuoles, each with a black dot in the middle. Tenuous situation, but hope springs eternal. When I went back on the Ides of March, they were just barely hanging on, enough ice-circled water to surround the maturing egg mass that was left. Three days later, a bunch of tadpoles were swimming around in the waters made by two days of warming rain.

When I finally made it back three weeks later, the puddle was no more than a dry, leaf-covered hollow, indistinguishable from the rest of the forest floor. All the tadpoles that should have been swimming around in the puddle, about half way to getting their front legs, gone.

In nature, there are many redundancies to ensure survival, but if this reservoir of life didn’t make it two years running, how many more?

We are confronted day after day with the evidence that living our lives as we have is not sustainable, yet we do everything we can to create the illusion that our human lives will go on and on pretty much as they have forever. We believe in the illusions woven around us since our birth.  We don’t see much of the detail down on the ground.

Now I am wondering how I can somehow teach my two granddaughters how to survive in a world where their puddle may be drying up more quickly than the grownups are able to imagine. I wish I could teach them how to plant a working vegetable garden, but they live in a tiny apartment, far away.  I’m glad Disney switched to more of a Warrior Princess model around the time my first granddaughter was born. We’ll need all the brave, wise, compassionate, fearless, undaunted women we can get. I’ve got two coming up. They’ve survived a heck of a lot already, buoyed by love.

Sirocco

The wind is in from Africa, blowing in great swirls over the tops of the Pyrannees, carrying sand from the desert. The light is so strange, like a partial solar eclipse. It’s hard to say what color the air has become. Perhaps it’s yellowy violet and grey. It’s as if the spectrum had been disrupted by some alien force. It makes everything feel unsettled. The dogs are barking at the wind itself, nothing else. The strange warm wind.

Even though it’s a Sunday afternoon, no one is taking their country walk except the few diligent dog owners. The laundry dried on the line faster than in a machine and the young plants in their pots, waiting for the right moment to feel their roots spreading in the ground, are aching in their constantly redrying dirt.


 

And now the wind increases. The pines are roiling as if in a gale. Then they settle before another wave of wind rolls in. You would imagine that the wind would clear the air yet it brings the endless sands of the Sahara, the grains pulverized to dust as they smash against each other’s silica crystals.

Now the wind has calmed to wafting air. There is a white luminescence everywhere as the sun begins to break through the lifting clouds of sand over the mountain tops. The white blossoms on the apple and cherry trees glow. The mood is moving. Joy is no longer suppressed. The air waits to see if it will become spring again, warmed by the brightening sun.

 

Wind

The wind blows hair

Across  my face 

as I walk the country road

And in its trace

There is no self

But that self which I have known

Since wind first 

sent those strands

To dance across 

The the blank screen of my mind

And set some delimiter

Of space and time

In  vastness  undefined.

 

The who that sees

This dance 

Is neither young nor old.

This who has no containment,

No set of aching bones

No heavy worries, 

No sorrows in a storm

No glances set askance

To see some form 

That blocks the light–as solid

As the stones

 

It seems to be the light itself

That witnesses this flight.

This luminescence shining  

From the flowers in the field

Has nothing it must yield

To learned impossibilities

Or sticky sensibilities

 

The who this is 

That fills with soft delight

Is all there is.

I’ve known it since a child.

The other who with edges tight

Has vanished

And will only come to take a seat

When once again demanded

by love and life’s

most irresistible commandments

Before fading 

into night.

 

Ruminations on a Death in the Pyrannees

There he lay
on his back
No breath,
so still.
The chill that spread
To my touch of fingers
on his neck.

Blue around those lips
Which had spoken to us
With such joy,
such anticipation
Of things to come
A friendship just begun
As we’d climbed
With bubbling sense of jubilation
Through dry oak leaves
Along the trail.

The feel of his cold jaws
between my still warm hands
The small face
With eyes
Closed tight
Gazing nowhere.

The smell of morning breath
On such insensate tongue
Such intimacy
With what had become
A rigid object
containing nothing
But what was like the ground
Where he had dropped
That life he had been living
With such spirit
Such flights of choice
Having gone from this place
Of flesh and bones
Of minerals and stone
Freed from bounds
Of cells and voice.

Pressing the chest above a heart
So still
Again, again
Pounding on the door
Of a room
Emptied of all
Its personal effects.
All family photos, letters
Rugby clothes
Lettered tee-shirts, shorts and pants,
Even rumpled bed.
Nothing there to mark
The warmth of all he’d lived
Just empty chambers echoing
With all he‘d sensed
All he’d become
Since first breath
Filled his lungs.

Hearing voices calling out his name
I called out to all I hold within
To bring back the breath
Of this body that had contained
Such spirit, those words that
Promised more to come.
My own breath now
For moments
Came in gasping gulps
Set with tears
And strain.


No answer came.
Just murmured words
and breathing
Of those whose love
Had intertwined with his
And who will still be hearing
Echoes of his name

The Woven Cloth of Love

Long form lying

legs stretched

Waking from 

or waking into

Darkness from light 

Or into light from dark

Swinging up ( or is it down) gently

Swinging back.

 

Pulling threads of each place

Into one another

Weaving 

Thoughts and dreams

Catching hold of thread ends 

from where I’ve been 

Into what is seeming now

Until some last part 

of that long story

Becomes part of what 

I know 

And soon 

will carry onward

 

I see my son 

At seven, swimming 

Towards me

In a deep and winding  river 

With a dark-skinned friend.

Swimming well, returning 

from a first day 

At some new children’s camp 

To come back to our summer group

In a house on some small lake.

 

Standing on the forest floor,

Brown leaves beneath my feet

I see now he is trying

to be self-contained 

As he sees me on the shore.

He calls to me “The camp is fine!”

As he clambers up the bank;

While  I  bend

to wrap him in a towel 

brought to keep him warm

his friend climbs out with frowning face

to join us, blurting

“But they’re not nice at all!”

With those words, my son’s brown eyes

begin to shine

Unshed tears becoming

moons of light

As his heart swings wide 

And he tells me of the disappointments

and the wounds

they have suffered

All day long.

 

He shivers and I reach down 

In the gesture of a mother

Lifting up her son

And he puts his arms around my neck

As I pull him to my chest.

He wraps his  thin strong legs around my waist

And I walk with him in warm embrace

His head against my own 

His friend holding the fingers of my hand

As he walks close against my side

And my son gently cries and tries his best

Not to be too harsh

With what has caused such pain.

 

Filled  with love and sorrow 

I walk along 

Until we both dissolve 

In mid complaint

And I am left with

All this love and this regret 

To weave 

As gleaming threads 

Into what we call

The day.

 

Humility

Back to writing. That’s what there is.

So what am I learning?

Humility.

 

My mind lets so much slip away from it these days, it seems to have lost whatever stickiness it once had. I am barely worthy to be here amidst all this beauty. The humility of being so miserably human, I must watch for the smallest signs of how to move
from the breeze that blows the winter grass.

 

Oh how I wish for what is done 

to be undone

Oh how I yearn for light to come 

before the blooming dawn

The light that shows the beauty that surrounds us

The light that shines through all that binds us.

 

Minds are clouded. Hearts are bound

While all we really need to do

is turn around

And see the face that’s there behind us

Thawing all the ice that binds us.

Loving eyes that melt all blindness 

And watch each step with loving kindness.

 

Its presence is there in every tree

In earth that crumbles down the scree

Its dark, damp fragrance filling me

With such stirring desire to break free

As if I were a sprouting seed

Casting off a leaf of weed

To find the sun from which I feed.

 

We need. We need

But it’s for each other 

That we plead.

It’s for the bleeding 

Face before us

Sorrow, fear 

In every tear.

 

Pull her gently 

To your breast

There oh there

Is where she’ll rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Year’s Wish

As this old year passes

May peace settle gently

in all of our hearts

and may the virus of love

become a pandemic.

 

May we shed our anger

And our fear

as the year breathes out

its last breath.

 

And as the new year comes to greet us

may we find joy in each other

May we play and laugh together

As children

Even as each day

We open any closed door

In that vast space inside us

To feel, at last, the suffering of all

And let our hearts

Truly break.

In a Circle of Azure Light

I had just seen the half moon 

In a circle of azure light

And then a planet blinking 

Through the branches of a tree 

That danced with the singing wind

When the tinkling sound of bells

Reminded me that  goats

Were grazing  still

In those dark deepening 

shades of  night.

 

How can we have such beauty 

And still close our hearts

To love.

How can we have come here

together

 for this little moment on earth

And still not hear the dove.

 

What are we doing

While we careen

 down the roadway of hate. 

How are we so distracted

By the ways we have 

Had to create

Such divisions, distinctions

Protracted conclusions

Based on emotions 

We never examine

Or sate.

 

We repeat the mistakes

Of the humans before us

The conflict the horror

The strife

Despite all our casings

Of advanced technological life.

We have come for the beauty

The grief , the delight

Even the horror of night.

 

But we continue to turn to our neighbor

As if she has not done the same

We call her by some other name

So that all of the sorrow we’ve felt here

Can have someone different to blame.

Ya Quddus, Kadosh, Kodesh

 

 

Holiness seeps in quietly

And soaks through every cell

Until there is nothing  left

but peace.

 

It has found me

WIthout warning 

In the midst of morning run

When a fragrant tree of  spring

The calling of a bird, 

Migrating in the air of every breath

Opened the flow of universe

Through doors of birth and death.

 

It has found me wandering 

In forests wet and green

When the patch of moss laid bare

under a curve of log

sent up its gentle scent.

 

It has awed me in those places

I least expect its grace.

In the midst of some cathedral

Built on dogma and distess

In the arches soaring upward

 We imagine flight

Where by some simple curvature 

of time and space

The vibrations of so many hearts

 Transform boundaries into light.

 

It has settled on me 

In the home

Of those women I have known

Whose every breath 

Has come directly

Through their beating hearts

In the  touch of hand on head

Cradled in a lap.

 

Yet it eludes me!

I forget it

When It is here in every moment

I wait to find it somewhere else

In memory or anticipation

In travel and in pilgrimage

Where the confluence of 

Time’s rivers 

In unending transmigration

Have left some silt of love. 

 

I seek it

Anywhere but here 

Where it nestles

Gently, present yet unknown

Its strength like  waves 

of  warm sweet breath

Of hibernating bears 

in caves.